HRM Rex Goliath Giant 47 Pound Rooster Zinfandel

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I got a really good night's sleep. As a result, I had a variety of crazy dreams, many of which made no logical sense at all. For all intents and purposes, I appear now to be awake. I feel very solid, for one, and my thoughts are very transparent . A certain logical order seems to exist right now that, were I still asleep and dreaming, my reality would probably lack. So, with a margin of error of + or - 5%, I can say with full confidence that I am awake. Good.

So why am I drinking a wine named after a chicken?

Quoth the critic: "At the turn of the twentieth century HRM (His Royal Majesty) Rex Goliath was the treasured attraction of a Texas Circus. People came from far and wide to behold the 47 lb. bird, billed as 'The World's Largest Rooster.' Our label replicates the one of a kind, vintage artwork from the circus banner that hung above Rex's roost and we proudly honor HRM with our premium varietal wines."

Yes. They are honoring a chicken by producing wine. They are not producing eggs. Or, perhaps, the world's biggest KFC. But wine. Because chickens love wine. Because there's nothing that makes a chicken happier than drinking wine. What rooster wants to be up early cock-a-doodle-dooing? They want to be out partying all night, drinking wine and strutting their stuff. Rex Goliath . . . I mean His Royal Majesty . . . likes to par-tay. So let's pay him proper tribute and drink!

To His Most Noble and Holy Majesty Rex Goliath! King of the Coop and Maestro of Good Times! We Pay Thee Honor and Tribute!

Drink, people.

By the way, I really love this wine. Or at least the smell. It's the best-smelling red I've come across in a long time. I would've snorted it if it had been socially appropriate. They say smell is 80% of taste but I'm not so sure, because I kind of fell off the love train once I started drinking. But I do still have a strong case of like. Kind of like when you're in 8th grade and you fail your history test because you're staring at Mary Jo Curvybuns (not her real name) instead of studying. It's like that. A good, bold wine that really does pay adequate tribute to a big-as-hell cock, if that's what you're after.

Meanwhile, now that I have reviewed a "free-range" wine and actually taken the idea seriously, I'm going back to sleep. Unless, perhaps, I am asleep.

9 out of 10.

Harris Teeter, $7.49